Misadventures in Television Hypnosis

I was about nine when this went down. I was looking through a comic book and saw a page with ads full of dumb stuff like trick cards, two headed coins, rubber dog poop, fake parking tickets, joy buzzers, exc. Then I saw a "hypnosis kit", which really caught my attention.

You know how kids are, fanaticizing about making their friends think they are animals or to make their parents buy them infinite candy and toys or stuff like that.

Well, I looked beyond that, I was a really far thinking kid, instead of that trivial stuff most kids might do with hypnosis powers, I decided that I was going to take over the world.

The logic beyond this plot escapes me to this day. You see, instead of hypnotizing everybody to be loyal to me or something obvious and simple like that, I got really creative. I figured if people can be hypnotized into thinking there being burned and suffer actual burn symptoms as a result (which I read about in an old psychology book that was at my grandma’s house), that perhaps it was possible to hypnotize inanimate objects.

Therefore, I decided to hypnotize my TV into becoming a transdimensional portal, that would allow me to access the world of Television. I figured that it would be like jumping into a painting in Mario 64, and whatever show or movie was playing was what world you’d jump into.

In preparation, I started stockpiling VHS tapes of movies such as The Terminator, Total Recall, old cartoon tapes, and other videos of that sort. I figured once I got the portal to work, I’d use these tapes to go into the movies and say, take out the terminator and bring him into the real world and have him kick everybody's ass for me. If they didn’t cooperate, I’d just hypnotize the characters themselves to do what I say.

I also planned to take the Death Star from my grandma's Star Wars laser disk and use it as my base. The imperial star destroyer fleet as well as the rebel alliance fighters would be my army and navy, and would both be on my side because I planned to hypnotize them.

As it turned out, the cost of the hypnosis kit was a whopping fifty cents, this couldn’t be done alone. I had to form a syndicate to carry out this plan.

So, I went out into my neighborhood and sold the idea to a collective group of about 15 kids I previously had. I promised them all noble status in my new world, as well as magic game boys with built in lights and color screens.

I actually convinced all these kids to give me their money, and ended up giving me nearly a dollar ten, which enabled me to buy both a hypnosis kit and a fart cushion, which I would use to play tricks on my cabinet once I became president of the world.

There would be world peace, because I would have my swatbot/stormtrooper army go around and "shoot all the bad people" so they would be no more crime. I would also save the world from pollution by hypnotizing all the smoke in the world to go away.

But first, I had to get my hands on that kit. I got my mom to write me the check and I sent it in to the company with the order form. Finally, my package came. For some reason though, it wasn’t a large box, it was a normal sized letter.

The clowns somehow forgot to include my whoopee cushion, but that was okay, because I was going to steal Aladdin’s lamp and wish for one anyway once I got the hang of the hypnosis kit anyway.

I rushed to my room and opened up the letter, only to find that the "hypnosis kit" I ordered was nothing but a photocopy of a typewriter written instruction sheet for a pathetic magic trick.
I was upset to say the least; I couldn’t take over the world with this crappy magic trick. I couldn’t transform my television into a transdimensional portal.

Then I had to deal with the fact that I had a bunch of neighborhood kids who were hoping for me to grant them superpowers and small countries to rule over. I performed the trick to convince them that I had in fact gained powers of hypnosis.

I told them that it would take ten years for the portal to open, which worked out great, as they continued to treat me as their friend for many years afterward, and by the time they realized I scammed them out of a dollar and 6 cents, I had already gravitated away from them and had taken on a much better suited circle of companions.

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