Misadventures in Television Hypnosis
I was about nine when this went down. I was looking
through a comic book and saw a page with ads full of dumb stuff like
trick cards, two headed coins, rubber dog poop, fake parking tickets,
joy buzzers, exc. Then I saw a "hypnosis kit", which really caught my
You know how kids are, fanaticizing about making their friends think
they are animals or to make their parents buy them infinite candy and
toys or stuff like that.
Well, I looked beyond that, I was a really far thinking kid, instead of
that trivial stuff most kids might do with hypnosis powers, I decided
that I was going to take over the world.
The logic beyond this plot escapes me to this day. You see, instead of
hypnotizing everybody to be loyal to me or something obvious and simple
like that, I got really creative. I figured if people can be hypnotized
into thinking there being burned and suffer actual burn symptoms as a
result (which I read about in an old psychology book that was at my
grandma’s house), that perhaps it was possible to hypnotize
Therefore, I decided to hypnotize my TV into becoming a
transdimensional portal, that would allow me to access the world of
Television. I figured that it would be like jumping into a painting in
Mario 64, and whatever show or movie was playing was what world
you’d jump into.
In preparation, I started stockpiling VHS tapes of movies such as The
Terminator, Total Recall, old cartoon tapes, and other videos of that
sort. I figured once I got the portal to work, I’d use these
tapes to go into the movies and say, take out the terminator and bring
him into the real world and have him kick everybody's ass for me. If
they didn’t cooperate, I’d just hypnotize the characters
themselves to do what I say.
I also planned to take the Death Star from my grandma's Star Wars laser
disk and use it as my base. The imperial star destroyer fleet as well
as the rebel alliance fighters would be my army and navy, and would
both be on my side because I planned to hypnotize them.
As it turned out, the cost of the hypnosis kit was a whopping fifty
cents, this couldn’t be done alone. I had to form a syndicate to
carry out this plan.
So, I went out into my neighborhood and sold the idea to a collective
group of about 15 kids I previously had. I promised them all noble
status in my new world, as well as magic game boys with built in lights
and color screens.
I actually convinced all these kids to give me their money, and ended
up giving me nearly a dollar ten, which enabled me to buy both a
hypnosis kit and a fart cushion, which I would use to play tricks on my
cabinet once I became president of the world.
There would be world peace, because I would have my
swatbot/stormtrooper army go around and "shoot all the bad people" so
they would be no more crime. I would also save the world from pollution
by hypnotizing all the smoke in the world to go away.
But first, I had to get my hands on that kit. I got my mom to write me
the check and I sent it in to the company with the order form. Finally,
my package came. For some reason though, it wasn’t a large box,
it was a normal sized letter.
The clowns somehow forgot to include my whoopee cushion, but that was
okay, because I was going to steal Aladdin’s lamp and wish for
one anyway once I got the hang of the hypnosis kit anyway.
I rushed to my room and opened up the letter, only to find that the
"hypnosis kit" I ordered was nothing but a photocopy of a typewriter
written instruction sheet for a pathetic magic trick.
I was upset to say the least; I couldn’t take over the world with
this crappy magic trick. I couldn’t transform my television into
a transdimensional portal.
Then I had to deal with the fact that I had a bunch of neighborhood
kids who were hoping for me to grant them superpowers and small
countries to rule over. I performed the trick to convince them that I
had in fact gained powers of hypnosis.
I told them that it would take ten years for the portal to open, which
worked out great, as they continued to treat me as their friend for
many years afterward, and by the time they realized I scammed them out
of a dollar and 6 cents, I had already gravitated away from them and
had taken on a much better suited circle of companions.
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